To lose someone to suicide is complex and confusing – this loss produces many painful emotions. It is also different from other ways people die because someone chose to end his or her own life. This leaves those of us left behind wondering if there is something we could have done to change their choice. We might be trying to make sense of what has happened, trying to understand why our loved one has left us.
What can we do to cope with the loss?
No one has any magic answers or quick solutions for this tragedy, but healing happens with moving through the pain and grief instead of avoiding it. Grieving takes time and so does adjusting to life without the person who died. While getting over the loss may be difficult, the intensity of these feelings will definitely lessen with time. A person grieving the suicide of a loved one can go through diverse emotions and experiences. Primary ones among them are feelings of anger and guilt.
Know that it is normal to feel angry toward the loved one, and at the same time, feeling overwhelming grief over the loss. It also helps to remind yourself that you are not responsible for their suicide in any way; accept that you could not change what happened and did the best you could with what you knew at the time. Talking to other family members and friends who lost a loved one from a suicide death can also be comforting; this can help us understand and deal with our own mixed emotions more effectively.
You might notice a shift in some relationships and friendships after the death of your loved one. Many people are uncomfortable dealing with death and loss. Added to this, the stigma associated with suicide may be making them unable to respond and support you appropriately. Try not to take it personally.
Here are some more tips that can help you along the healing process…
- Express your feelings by talking to a trusted confidante, or by writing in a journal. Take some time to be alone, if needed, but do not cut yourself off for too long.
- Anniversaries, birthdays and other special occasions can be painful reminders of your loved one’s demise. Don’t berate yourself for being sad or mourning on these days. It can help to anticipate these triggers and deal with them accordingly.
- Thoughts of ending your own life are also not an uncommon reaction to the suicide of someone you love and may surface immediately, or years later. Remember that extended depression and continual or persistent suicidal thoughts need immediate attention. Don’t hesitate to seek out professional help and counselling if your problems seem more than you can handle alone.
- Remember that each person grieves differently; set your own pace for grieving and moving on. Know that your grief and sadness will eventually subside, and you will be able to pick up the pieces of your life and rebuild.
As you go through the days trying to cope with your grief, do remember that some days will be better than others, even years after the suicide — and that is alright. Healing is about forgiving the person as well as yourself for not doing things differently, letting go and moving forward.
“We acquire the strength we have overcome.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
