How to cope with death of a loved one?
“There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have to let go” – Anonymous
Life and Death are inexorably linked together. We often hear people saying that the only certainty of life is death. But do we really stop and introspect on this truism? Why then are we always shocked when death snatches away our loved ones? Why do we find it so difficult to acknowledge death as a reality?
One’s perspective of life influences one’s thoughts of one’s own mortality, and those of our loved ones. Our grief about losing a loved one is often laced with regret and guilt – regret about not being able to say goodbye with a hug or express love, guilt about the time wasted on inane arguments instead of cherishing the precious moments… this happens especially where sudden death occurs. All the “what ifs” and “I should have” thoughts haunt us. Well, one seldom receives notice for death except when terminal illness is involved. So start living each day as if it were your last and you will find everything else falling in place!
Tips for coping with grief:
1) Accept your feelings – Grieving is an individual experience, there is no correct or wrong way to cope with death. But some of the emotions that you may experience are shock or numbed disbelief, denial, anger, sadness and guilt. Sometimes we bargain with God or ourselves with thoughts like – “if only I had done this”, or “could he have lived longer if we had gone to the doctor on time”, or “God, just give me another chance” etc. Accept all your feelings without denying any of them, give yourself some space to be with all your feelings and mourn your loss. Move through your pain and grief instead of avoiding them.
2) Reach out – Seek help from friends or family without hesitation and express your feelings. People do understand and will be in a better position to help you if they know what you are going through. If you find it difficult to express your feelings to others, you can even write a letter or keep a journal.
3) Physical health – Take care of your physical needs without ignoring the 3 essential aspects of sleep, nutrition and exercise. Ignoring your physical needs will not help you cope better.
4) Avoid unrealistic expectations of yourself – There will be days when you feel positive about things and on other days, despair and gloom envelop you. Accept that the process of grief sometimes involves a forward/backward movement. There will be people who tell you that you have grieved long enough and that you need to move on quickly. While acknowledging their genuine intentions, do set your own pace for grieving and moving on.
5) Spiritual comfort – Seek comfort in spirituality be it through the church, temple, gurudwara or mosque. Most religions have philosophical thoughts on death that do help with healthy coping mechanisms. If you are not comfortable with this, you could even practise simple meditation and send thoughts of love and peace to your loved one.
6) Getting back to normalcy – Grieving takes time and so does adjusting to life without the person who died. While getting over the loss may be difficult, the intensity of these feelings will definitely lessen with time. Do try and get back to your daily routines even if your heart is not in it.
7) Get involved in meaningful activity – Some of us may find comfort in reaching out to the less fortunate. You could arrange for a special lunch at an orphanage or old age home in memory of your loved one or just spend a day with the less privileged. This will help give you gain perspective on your own loss.
8) Acceptance & letting go – This is often the most difficult and important part of grieving that brings closure. We are afraid to let go and move on, out of a displaced sense of loyalty or just simply out of insecurity. If you have processed your grief and other emotions effectively, then you will not find it difficult to accept, let go and move on. Moving on certainly does not mean that you forget your loved one, but simply an affirmation of life.
